EVERYTHING IS FINE, NOTHING IS RUINED.: January 2011

Running without music.

Pros:

earbuds dont fall out,
i can actually control my pace,
lady gaga doesn't control my brain for the rest of the day,
i dont have to worry about charging my ipod,
i dont have to worry about precipitation ruining my ipod,
no annoying headphone chords swinging everywhere,
i can hear the crazy ann arbor drivers before they try to hit me,
i can hear the crazy ann arbor walkers say things like, "did that girl just shake her head at me," and i can respond, "yes" because I did shake my head at them because they were being fucking dumb and NOT moving aside even though they SAW me coming and I had to stomp around in 8 inches of snow to get around them and god i am so fucking pissed that they wouldn't just move out of the way

Cons:

no random energy surges when Ke$ha's "Blow" comes on,
having the same song that I only know about ten words to getting stuck in my head for the whole 45 minutes of my run, like say, "allstar" by smashmouth,
i can hear all the sorority girls enthralling convos when i pass them, which is basically the equivalent of having the same song stuck in your head because they all talk about the same things because they are all the same and they are all super dumb
i can hear myself breathe. gross.
i have to be a part of the real world instead of in a high energy, dance-party esque bubble.

Something insane just happened to me. I had a "moment," if you will. I. had. a. god. damn. moment.

I'm hoping this moment will work on me, continue to plant itself in my brain as I try and repair some damage that I think has been done recently. Damage to others, damage to myself, and, I guess, the contribution of overall damage that I've made to a society (world?) full of people who are damagers and damagees.

I have changed a lot recently. Almost too much to grasp. If I had the remote capacity to see myself through the eyes of another I'm pretty sure the sight would be more than I can handle. I don't think I've become something bad; I also don't think I'm anywhere near where I want to be.

BUT.. I have found that, amidst all this change, I have some sort of lurking Constant.

I haven't been doing a lot of art recently. I've been feeling like it's something that I need more time to understand, and to do that I felt like was in need of some time away from it. But I put a lot of myself into my most recent art, more than I think I was willing to admit at the time.

I was going through an old art blog and I realized that despite what I have been through in the past two years, despite grand changes in my life, I still feel exactly the same about everything. I also found this in my most recent artist statement, although I felt like I was writing something different, newly angled at the time. I just cannot get away from my feelings on the essence of life, I guess. It seems to be the only thing that interests me. Which I think is keeping me from being successful at most things in life... like getting a real job, or not getting distracted by boys, or really giving my all to friendships or hobbies or any other good things I should be divesting myself into.

These are worth a read, If you really want to know, or care, about the way I really feel:
old art blog
artist statement/website

And here's the crux:

I hate life SO BAD sometimes. It just does not seem like an inherently good thing to me. It's not easy, it's not slow, it's unforgiving and unstoppable, uncontrollable and quite frankly, mad. Mad times are happening now.

I am young, and perhaps still a little naive, but I think everything is fine. I think it's not too hard to work through life's challenges. I think everyone takes themselves too seriously. I think if I ramble anymore in this ungodly scattered manner the 3 people who are still reading this will really regret spending the last two minutes wafting through these waves of wtfness.

So here is my Constant. It's been there all along, it's obvious (now), simple, unoriginal, and the thing that I find to be most true in the world. I no longer think that it is stupid or irrelevant or that no one is going to listen to what I have to say because it presents itself as such things:

We can choose to be good. We can choose to do it right. I, as a solo entity, am not defined by anyone else, or by a humanity that is supposedly stricken with "original sin" or wtfever. I, YOU, EVERYONE can choose to be good. The world doesn't have to be bad.

Everything can be fine. Everything DOES NOT have to be ruined, and I refuse to contribute to its rapid tumble down that path.