[EDIT: dear adobe illustrator/blogger incompatibilities: i hate you.]
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
This is your brain on Karly... believe me, you are better off doing Charlie Sheen. [And that reference was drug-related. not sexual.]
[EDIT: dear adobe illustrator/blogger incompatibilities: i hate you.]
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sometimes I break small things, like toenails, and then sometimes I break larger things, like entire licensed Starbucks stores in the middle of Target
And if it is any testament to how much I HATE everyone right now, I was actually excited that I got to mop for two hours straight instead of talking to people and serving them coffee. You know. After I flooded Starbucks/Target. Because I did that. That's what I did today.
But everything is fine, nothing is ruined. Allegedly.
But everything is fine, nothing is ruined. Allegedly.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Serious Time: Guiltexia.
I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY
Guess who is looking for their iPod charger? Me.
Guess what I did? Dumped the entire contents of my "electronics bucket" onto my floor in search of said charger.
Guess what is not in this giant pile of cords and electronics? My iPod charger.
Guess what is still in the middle of my floor? This giant pile of cords and electronics.
I am seriously about to snap. Why can't I find this one, small apparatus that I need to have a working iPod? Why?! Why can't I put things back where they belong? Ever!? This is just really great. And by the way, it's the least of my problems right now. But it's also not helping. NOT HELPING AT ALL. It's just that extra thing I'm dealing with that will eventually lead me to snap and become Extreme Bitch Karly to anyone or anything that crosses my path. Like this:
This is what Allie from Hyperbole and a Half refers to as the Sneaky Hate Spiral. And I'm on it. I'm the conductor, in fact. Well.. assuming that the Sneaky Hate Spiral is a train. If it were a parade, I'd be that guy with the obnoxious hat, marching and waving a baton all over the goddamn place. Or maybe that's for marching bands. Whatever. I don't know anything. I'm on a Sneaky Hate Spiral. Too busy hating to care. So anyway, now I have no iPod charger and a giant mess in the middle of my room. NOT WINNING.
I labeled this entry Serious Time because I'm going to talk about something really serious. More serious than missing iPod chargers.
Eating disorders.
Specifically, mine.
I'm not anorexic (proof: I eat food.)
I'm not bulemic (proof: I eat food and do everything in my power not to throw up. Ever. Because throwing up is terrible and pretty much the equivalent of dying, only worse. I mean I don't really know what dying feels like but if it's worse than throwing up HOLY CRAP... I don't want to die.)
When I eat food I always feel guilty. I ran 6.5 miles again today, and then I ate two mini taco/burrito type things and I started feeling guilty. So I think I have something that I like to call Guiltexia. Guiltexia is when you eat a normal amount of food and feel bad about it because you feel like you should probably just be anorexic anyways. And now every time you look in the mirror you are going to see extra chins and pretty much a blimp-ified version of yourself even if you look exactly the same to everyone else. Even your hands are going to look fatter. And your entire day is just completely ruined because you are now way too fat for anyone to ever love or even tolerate. Welcome to Guiltexia. It's awesome.
And by the way, I did try to eat an entire pizza. I got to four pieces and started feeling like (imagine this) GARBAGE and kind of like I had FoodBaby Disease AND Guiltexia. Which is a terrible combination.
oh well.
onto PBB&J
and more Guiltexia.
Guess who is looking for their iPod charger? Me.Guess what I did? Dumped the entire contents of my "electronics bucket" onto my floor in search of said charger.
Guess what is not in this giant pile of cords and electronics? My iPod charger.
Guess what is still in the middle of my floor? This giant pile of cords and electronics.
I am seriously about to snap. Why can't I find this one, small apparatus that I need to have a working iPod? Why?! Why can't I put things back where they belong? Ever!? This is just really great. And by the way, it's the least of my problems right now. But it's also not helping. NOT HELPING AT ALL. It's just that extra thing I'm dealing with that will eventually lead me to snap and become Extreme Bitch Karly to anyone or anything that crosses my path. Like this:
This is what Allie from Hyperbole and a Half refers to as the Sneaky Hate Spiral. And I'm on it. I'm the conductor, in fact. Well.. assuming that the Sneaky Hate Spiral is a train. If it were a parade, I'd be that guy with the obnoxious hat, marching and waving a baton all over the goddamn place. Or maybe that's for marching bands. Whatever. I don't know anything. I'm on a Sneaky Hate Spiral. Too busy hating to care. So anyway, now I have no iPod charger and a giant mess in the middle of my room. NOT WINNING.
I labeled this entry Serious Time because I'm going to talk about something really serious. More serious than missing iPod chargers.
Eating disorders.
Specifically, mine.
I'm not anorexic (proof: I eat food.)
I'm not bulemic (proof: I eat food and do everything in my power not to throw up. Ever. Because throwing up is terrible and pretty much the equivalent of dying, only worse. I mean I don't really know what dying feels like but if it's worse than throwing up HOLY CRAP... I don't want to die.)
When I eat food I always feel guilty. I ran 6.5 miles again today, and then I ate two mini taco/burrito type things and I started feeling guilty. So I think I have something that I like to call Guiltexia. Guiltexia is when you eat a normal amount of food and feel bad about it because you feel like you should probably just be anorexic anyways. And now every time you look in the mirror you are going to see extra chins and pretty much a blimp-ified version of yourself even if you look exactly the same to everyone else. Even your hands are going to look fatter. And your entire day is just completely ruined because you are now way too fat for anyone to ever love or even tolerate. Welcome to Guiltexia. It's awesome.
And by the way, I did try to eat an entire pizza. I got to four pieces and started feeling like (imagine this) GARBAGE and kind of like I had FoodBaby Disease AND Guiltexia. Which is a terrible combination.
oh well.
onto PBB&J
and more Guiltexia.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'm talking about a lot of things here.
I WANT PIZZA
I just ran 6.5 miles (yeah, suck it winter. I can run. I can run SO FAR)
You know what I want to do? Eat an entire pizza. But I can't do that. Because people aren't allowed to eat entire pizzas. Even people who burned 840 calories on their run. Maybe 14 year old boys are allowed to eat entire pizzas. And, uh... Paul Bunyan. Isn't he like eight feet tall? Maybe he eats eight whole pizzas a day. But people with poise do not eat entire pizzas. Poise is awesome. More awesome than eating an entire pizza. I'm trying really hard to convince myself that that last sentence is true.
Anyways, when you're a piece of shit with no poise who is eating an entire pizza, you always feel like you're winning. I guess you're winning a little. Cheese. Meat. Garlic. WIN. But guess what, fictional person eating an entire pizza: You are not winning. You are about to feel like garbage. Real soon.
I'm talking a lot of smack. I've never eaten an entire pizza. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do it anyway. I mean I've eaten a lot of pizza I guess. And maybe people who brag about eating entire pizzas leave out the crucial detail that the pizza was a small thin-crust, light-cheese pizza with like, lettuce on it. NEWSFLASH that is not "eating an entire pizza." Not in my book. Or in my blog. I don't even have a book. I keep lying about a lot of things.
TWO THINGS I WANT TO DO IN THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE
1. Actually eat an entire pizza. As I type this, I'm already chickening out. I'm afraid there's a really good chance I'll throw up if I do this. And I hate throwing up. I hate throwing up more than I hate tornadoes, bubbles, and most people. And that's saying something. Because I REALLY hate all of those things. Although when I say tornadoes I really mean any kind of natural disaster that I have no control over. Like volcanoes. I'm so terrified of volcanoes and I probably live 80,000 miles from the nearest one. Lava is scary, and it's fast, and sometimes, like on Land of the Lost, it's green. I'm really getting away from the point here. But it's ok because I don't even think it's an actual point anymore. I don't even want to eat an entire pizza at all. Maybe I'll amend to just "a lot of pizza." Just enough to hate myself a little.
2. Eat a peanut butter, bacon and jelly sandwich. Stop. I don't want to hear it. It's going to be awesome.
POISE
Whats up with people who have poise anyway? People who never do things that are weird or out of the ordinary that would be considered wrong or perhaps illegal. People who buy large items, like say, doors, that are slightly too big to fit in their car and don't realize it until it's not fitting in their car. What do these people do? I'll tell you what these people don't do. These people don't take the head rests off the front seats and shove the door clear up to the windshield and duck down underneath it for a 15 minute car ride home. These people don't drive around with hunched backs, making them appear eager to perhaps kidnap children or commit serious felonies. These people don't sit in the passenger seat slouched down with their legs on the dashboard situated in such a way that, If the airbag were to go off, their knees would become intimately acquainted with their eye sockets, perhaps permanently.
People with poise also don't let their Ikea bamboo die.
People with poise also don't leave for work 5 minutes after they roll out of bed.
God. I need some motherfucking poise.
SPAGHETTI
is almost as good as pizza. Almost.
THIS ENTRY
1. is losing steam 2. is having a lot of formatting issues and 3. is consequently, over.
I just ran 6.5 miles (yeah, suck it winter. I can run. I can run SO FAR)
You know what I want to do? Eat an entire pizza. But I can't do that. Because people aren't allowed to eat entire pizzas. Even people who burned 840 calories on their run. Maybe 14 year old boys are allowed to eat entire pizzas. And, uh... Paul Bunyan. Isn't he like eight feet tall? Maybe he eats eight whole pizzas a day. But people with poise do not eat entire pizzas. Poise is awesome. More awesome than eating an entire pizza. I'm trying really hard to convince myself that that last sentence is true.
Anyways, when you're a piece of shit with no poise who is eating an entire pizza, you always feel like you're winning. I guess you're winning a little. Cheese. Meat. Garlic. WIN. But guess what, fictional person eating an entire pizza: You are not winning. You are about to feel like garbage. Real soon.
I'm talking a lot of smack. I've never eaten an entire pizza. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do it anyway. I mean I've eaten a lot of pizza I guess. And maybe people who brag about eating entire pizzas leave out the crucial detail that the pizza was a small thin-crust, light-cheese pizza with like, lettuce on it. NEWSFLASH that is not "eating an entire pizza." Not in my book. Or in my blog. I don't even have a book. I keep lying about a lot of things.
TWO THINGS I WANT TO DO IN THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE
1. Actually eat an entire pizza. As I type this, I'm already chickening out. I'm afraid there's a really good chance I'll throw up if I do this. And I hate throwing up. I hate throwing up more than I hate tornadoes, bubbles, and most people. And that's saying something. Because I REALLY hate all of those things. Although when I say tornadoes I really mean any kind of natural disaster that I have no control over. Like volcanoes. I'm so terrified of volcanoes and I probably live 80,000 miles from the nearest one. Lava is scary, and it's fast, and sometimes, like on Land of the Lost, it's green. I'm really getting away from the point here. But it's ok because I don't even think it's an actual point anymore. I don't even want to eat an entire pizza at all. Maybe I'll amend to just "a lot of pizza." Just enough to hate myself a little.
2. Eat a peanut butter, bacon and jelly sandwich. Stop. I don't want to hear it. It's going to be awesome.
POISE
Whats up with people who have poise anyway? People who never do things that are weird or out of the ordinary that would be considered wrong or perhaps illegal. People who buy large items, like say, doors, that are slightly too big to fit in their car and don't realize it until it's not fitting in their car. What do these people do? I'll tell you what these people don't do. These people don't take the head rests off the front seats and shove the door clear up to the windshield and duck down underneath it for a 15 minute car ride home. These people don't drive around with hunched backs, making them appear eager to perhaps kidnap children or commit serious felonies. These people don't sit in the passenger seat slouched down with their legs on the dashboard situated in such a way that, If the airbag were to go off, their knees would become intimately acquainted with their eye sockets, perhaps permanently.
People with poise also don't let their Ikea bamboo die.
People with poise also don't leave for work 5 minutes after they roll out of bed.
God. I need some motherfucking poise.
SPAGHETTI
is almost as good as pizza. Almost.
THIS ENTRY
1. is losing steam 2. is having a lot of formatting issues and 3. is consequently, over.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
im not drunk-blogging... im drunk-WINNING.
im Winning. im Winning so hard. how could i not be? whipped cream vodka? please. im fucking WINNING.
I don't even know what i want to talk about but i think ive decided im just going to use no filter, and definitely NOT the backspace button. i KNOW there is no backspace button when you're drunk.
I know a lot of things, it turns out. I'd share them with you, but that would just be lazy. you should learn things on your own. im not here to coddle anyone. I cant just tell you everything you need to know always. But you should listen to me because seriously I'm so smart. didn't anyone notice that I used the word 'alveoli' in the last entry? Im practically a doctor. bam. Winning.
so anyway I can't tell you everything I know. but i CAN tell you why i hate winter.
lets start by talking about what my food pyramid has looked like for the past couple weeks:
oooh lets talk about the font i used on this. its called "oh crud." which is a phrase that I kept saying the other day for no reason which is weird because why do things just pop into your brain like that.
so cough drops: aren't even good. at all. but necessary. i fell asleep with one in my mouth, ok? i dont recommend this. but sometimes you have to stop coughing if you want to sleep. or if you dont want to wake up everyone in your house. or in your tent in Scotland. because then your sister will kick you and yell at you and tell you that you need to sleep on your stomach when you are already sleeping on your stomach and feeling like crud and you walk out of the tent into the foggy, freezing scotland air at four in the morning to a campground bathroom that is freezing and you look at yourself in the mirror and think who am i? im in motherfucking scotland, by the way and the mirror responds you are a piece of crud and this whole thing is making a lot of sense.
saltines: are food. really. someone told me that saltines aren't food and that's such bullshit. if saltines aren't food, then i don't eat food. you know what else is awesome about saltines? they cost a dollar. for four sleeves! i can crush a sleeve of saltines like nobody's business. Right now there is a sleeve of saltines on our mantle, but i can't eat them because they are touching a gold styrofoam torso in an anatomical area that is awkward and would make me feel weird about eating them. plus they've been sitting there for a couple of days in an open package. [im probly going to eat them at some point. and im probly going to be drunk when i do. i just dont want to be wasteful. also i dont care about anything when im drunk, least of all eating saltines that are touching a golden styrofoam butt.]
you know what's hard to draw? "Food anyone else gives me for free." so i didn't.
One time i went a whole month without eating pizza hut breadsticks. and then the second that challenge was up, i ate them at 10AM and then pretty much every day for a week. Because I'm really good at life.
Do you know how good pizza is? pizza is so good. I want pizza. all the time. every time. there is not a second that im alive that I would not like to be consuming pizza. or burritos. but guess what? you can't have everything you want in life. consider yourself informed. you cant have everything. in fact, you really can't have a whole lot. ever. sucks, huh? life just isn't that great. like pizza. pizza is pretty fucking great. except it costs money, and that sucks a lot. which i think is the only reason i dont eat it as much as i want to. same with beer. beer is so great. it may be better than pizza, but the thing is im drunk and a little bit biased so i really can't comment on this at present. but beer is pretty great.
Anyway, isn't this the worst food pyramid you've ever seen? I know it is. I'm probly going to die tomorrow. Although I went for a run today so everything will probably be fine and not ruined at all. Also I totally lied and used the backspace button a lot of times. I don't care. I'm drunk. LYing doesn't count when you're drunk. When you're drunk, there is only blogging, and feeling awesome, and Winning. And that's all that matters in this fickle, exploding, winter world.
I don't even know what i want to talk about but i think ive decided im just going to use no filter, and definitely NOT the backspace button. i KNOW there is no backspace button when you're drunk.
I know a lot of things, it turns out. I'd share them with you, but that would just be lazy. you should learn things on your own. im not here to coddle anyone. I cant just tell you everything you need to know always. But you should listen to me because seriously I'm so smart. didn't anyone notice that I used the word 'alveoli' in the last entry? Im practically a doctor. bam. Winning.
so anyway I can't tell you everything I know. but i CAN tell you why i hate winter.
lets start by talking about what my food pyramid has looked like for the past couple weeks:
oooh lets talk about the font i used on this. its called "oh crud." which is a phrase that I kept saying the other day for no reason which is weird because why do things just pop into your brain like that.
so cough drops: aren't even good. at all. but necessary. i fell asleep with one in my mouth, ok? i dont recommend this. but sometimes you have to stop coughing if you want to sleep. or if you dont want to wake up everyone in your house. or in your tent in Scotland. because then your sister will kick you and yell at you and tell you that you need to sleep on your stomach when you are already sleeping on your stomach and feeling like crud and you walk out of the tent into the foggy, freezing scotland air at four in the morning to a campground bathroom that is freezing and you look at yourself in the mirror and think who am i? im in motherfucking scotland, by the way and the mirror responds you are a piece of crud and this whole thing is making a lot of sense.
saltines: are food. really. someone told me that saltines aren't food and that's such bullshit. if saltines aren't food, then i don't eat food. you know what else is awesome about saltines? they cost a dollar. for four sleeves! i can crush a sleeve of saltines like nobody's business. Right now there is a sleeve of saltines on our mantle, but i can't eat them because they are touching a gold styrofoam torso in an anatomical area that is awkward and would make me feel weird about eating them. plus they've been sitting there for a couple of days in an open package. [im probly going to eat them at some point. and im probly going to be drunk when i do. i just dont want to be wasteful. also i dont care about anything when im drunk, least of all eating saltines that are touching a golden styrofoam butt.]
you know what's hard to draw? "Food anyone else gives me for free." so i didn't.
One time i went a whole month without eating pizza hut breadsticks. and then the second that challenge was up, i ate them at 10AM and then pretty much every day for a week. Because I'm really good at life.
Do you know how good pizza is? pizza is so good. I want pizza. all the time. every time. there is not a second that im alive that I would not like to be consuming pizza. or burritos. but guess what? you can't have everything you want in life. consider yourself informed. you cant have everything. in fact, you really can't have a whole lot. ever. sucks, huh? life just isn't that great. like pizza. pizza is pretty fucking great. except it costs money, and that sucks a lot. which i think is the only reason i dont eat it as much as i want to. same with beer. beer is so great. it may be better than pizza, but the thing is im drunk and a little bit biased so i really can't comment on this at present. but beer is pretty great.
Anyway, isn't this the worst food pyramid you've ever seen? I know it is. I'm probly going to die tomorrow. Although I went for a run today so everything will probably be fine and not ruined at all. Also I totally lied and used the backspace button a lot of times. I don't care. I'm drunk. LYing doesn't count when you're drunk. When you're drunk, there is only blogging, and feeling awesome, and Winning. And that's all that matters in this fickle, exploding, winter world.
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