Today I decided to go for a run because I've been having these horrible things called feelings and I haven't been running a lot and it turns out I'm really good at math because LOOK AT THIS EQUATION IVE COME UP WITH:
[(the square root of feelings) plus (running times zero) = bitch karly to the 300th power]
So anyway it looked all nice out but it wasn't really nice out and what happened was I felt like someone was shoving icicles down my lungs and into my alveoli.
And then it felt like someone was scrubbing my lungs with sandpaper.
And then I felt like a dweeb because I was walking down the sidewalk like a lowly walker-type person with my sleeve covering my mouth so I could breathe in warm air but then really it just looked like I was eating my fist which is something that I think only crazy people are supposed to do and the whole purpose of me running was so that I could be not crazy and now everything just points to me actually being crazy.
So then I started running again and all my breathing functions seemed normal.
And then I stopped and went inside.
And then I tried really hard to win a coughing contest. I think I won. [Can you win things when you're the only one competing? I think you can. And this is my blog. So suck it.]
And then I ate spaghetti.
Now I'm wheezing when I breathe.
It's really awesome.
And I'm probably going to do it all again tomorrow.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Second blog post in one day: This one's called "TurboTax, version: SUCK.O"
This is why I hate winter and turbotax and anything else that makes my life NOT AWESOME: It forces me to do things I really do not want to do. Like sitting around. Sitting around and forcing yourself to do adulty-things. Like taxes. Because you can only sit around and watch Hannah Montana for so long before you start to feel like maybe this isn't the best way to be spending your time.
You know why no one wants to do adulty-things? Because they are boring. Because you get lured into this false sense of security, which is that these things are adulty and therefore will make perfect sense and not be complicated at all. Because you think it's going to take you ten minutes and then you look at the clock 3 hours later and realize you're just guessing that it took you three hours because can't even read the clock and your eyes don't know how to focus on anything that isn't a computer screen anymore.
Maybe I should just get to the point.
TURBOTAX SUCKS. and here's why.
I had everything DONE.
DONE.
DONE.
But TURBOTAX (version:SUCK.O) was telling me that I had an error. And to "fix" this "error" I had to fill out "more" information about "my" adopted child.
I don't know If you know this about me, but [I like to use quotes on random words. Also] I DONT HAVE AN ADOPTED CHILD. In fact, up until about a half a year ago, I thought I never wanted children. Children are rude and loud. Children only care about these things: getting chocolate milk and Zu Zu pets and screaming and jumping up and down in shopping carts while their parents pretend like they aren't screaming and jumping up and down in shopping carts.
So anyways, I don't have any children and I don't recall ever giving TURBOTAX the impression that I did. In fact, they weren't even letting me say that I had no adopted children, they just wanted me to fill in the information anyway.
Since I'm not an idiot (kind of), I looked this up on the TURBOTAX help forum. Guess who is having this problem? At least 35 other people. Guess who is answering their questions? NO ONE. One person even said they called support, who told them THEY HAD NO SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HELP WITH THIS PROBLEM. (WHAT?! How about I torrent the shit out your software. How's that for solving the problem?)
Anyway, that's how I solved the problem. By making it worse. I was able to hit "delete" and THEN go back to the section where it asked me if I had an adopted child. Then I answered everyone's questions on the forums and the peasants rejoiced.
Do you think they'd appreciate my sense of humor if I had filed like that? My head says no, but my other head (the one that believes everyone has common sense) says I think they'd get the picture.
The other reason that I hate winter (besides TurboTax) is because I'm not motivated to do anything. Except prompt people to ask me if I went to taco bell twice in two days. (hint: I TOTALLY DID.)
You know why no one wants to do adulty-things? Because they are boring. Because you get lured into this false sense of security, which is that these things are adulty and therefore will make perfect sense and not be complicated at all. Because you think it's going to take you ten minutes and then you look at the clock 3 hours later and realize you're just guessing that it took you three hours because can't even read the clock and your eyes don't know how to focus on anything that isn't a computer screen anymore.
Maybe I should just get to the point.
TURBOTAX SUCKS. and here's why.
I had everything DONE.
DONE.
DONE.
But TURBOTAX (version:SUCK.O) was telling me that I had an error. And to "fix" this "error" I had to fill out "more" information about "my" adopted child.
I don't know If you know this about me, but [I like to use quotes on random words. Also] I DONT HAVE AN ADOPTED CHILD. In fact, up until about a half a year ago, I thought I never wanted children. Children are rude and loud. Children only care about these things: getting chocolate milk and Zu Zu pets and screaming and jumping up and down in shopping carts while their parents pretend like they aren't screaming and jumping up and down in shopping carts.
So anyways, I don't have any children and I don't recall ever giving TURBOTAX the impression that I did. In fact, they weren't even letting me say that I had no adopted children, they just wanted me to fill in the information anyway.
Since I'm not an idiot (kind of), I looked this up on the TURBOTAX help forum. Guess who is having this problem? At least 35 other people. Guess who is answering their questions? NO ONE. One person even said they called support, who told them THEY HAD NO SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HELP WITH THIS PROBLEM. (WHAT?! How about I torrent the shit out your software. How's that for solving the problem?)
Anyway, that's how I solved the problem. By making it worse. I was able to hit "delete" and THEN go back to the section where it asked me if I had an adopted child. Then I answered everyone's questions on the forums and the peasants rejoiced.
Do you think they'd appreciate my sense of humor if I had filed like that? My head says no, but my other head (the one that believes everyone has common sense) says I think they'd get the picture.
The other reason that I hate winter (besides TurboTax) is because I'm not motivated to do anything. Except prompt people to ask me if I went to taco bell twice in two days. (hint: I TOTALLY DID.)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
This post is digusting and I don't even want to publish it.
When I was at work one day, I told Friend Frances that the bubbles in the steamed milk freak me out. Seriously. I can't handle looking at them. I have to destroy them with a spoon or dump the contents down the drain immediately. I don't know what my problem is. It's just a bunch of little holes, right?
I was trying to figure out what they reminded me of. And then it came to me.
I remember that once, in grade school, I saw a video of a toad that lives underwater and carries its babies on its back. Oh I'm sorry. Did I say on? Yeah no that's not correct. Because that would actually make sense. This toad carries its babies IN it's back. IN. In tiny, disgusting little pockets that for some reason make me want to kill myself. I've even had multiple dreams about my skin forming similar little pockets from which tiny round objects emerge.. and it's by far the worst dream I've ever had. So I try not to think about this a lot.
But here's the thing about me: I hate myself. So instead of doing... anything else... I googled a picture of the damn thing.
Disgusting, right? Yeah.
Then I found this:
AND THEN
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON I don't need this! That shit makes my skin crawl. I'm never sleeping again.
Apparently this "being afraid of small holes thing" is a "thing" though. My first thought upon seeing that last image was that it was strange that I'm not alone in this fight. I found out that "trypophobia" is when you have a fear of small holes, possibly with things inside them.
Well guess the fuck what. I fucking have trypophobia and it's not awesome. I've totally lost my god damn cool.
Ugh. I have to go take a shower. Again.
PS everything is ruined.
I was trying to figure out what they reminded me of. And then it came to me.
I remember that once, in grade school, I saw a video of a toad that lives underwater and carries its babies on its back. Oh I'm sorry. Did I say on? Yeah no that's not correct. Because that would actually make sense. This toad carries its babies IN it's back. IN. In tiny, disgusting little pockets that for some reason make me want to kill myself. I've even had multiple dreams about my skin forming similar little pockets from which tiny round objects emerge.. and it's by far the worst dream I've ever had. So I try not to think about this a lot.
But here's the thing about me: I hate myself. So instead of doing... anything else... I googled a picture of the damn thing.
Disgusting, right? Yeah.
Then I found this:
AND THEN
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON I don't need this! That shit makes my skin crawl. I'm never sleeping again.
Apparently this "being afraid of small holes thing" is a "thing" though. My first thought upon seeing that last image was that it was strange that I'm not alone in this fight. I found out that "trypophobia" is when you have a fear of small holes, possibly with things inside them.
Well guess the fuck what. I fucking have trypophobia and it's not awesome. I've totally lost my god damn cool.
Ugh. I have to go take a shower. Again.
PS everything is ruined.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Dear February 12th: I hated you, and then i kind of liked you a little bit, and then you were the worst, but now i think you really aren't so bad.
9:00 AM
Karly wakes up and turns on her computer.
She is greeted by the above screen, which is normal.
Screen stays on gray spinning wheel of death for about 3,000 minutes. This is NOT NORMAL.
Karly hates life and instead of dealing with the problem, goes back to sleep.
11:15 AM
Karly wakes up (again).
The problem, shockingly, has not resolved itself.
Karly turns computer on and off about 8 times, just to make sure life isn't really as terrible as it seems.
Verdict: life is pretty terrible.
12:00 PM
Roommate Drew observes Karly trying to fix the problem herself, which looks a little bit like Karly laying on her bed and making faces that are frowny and helpless.
Roommate Drew takes steps to fix the problem.
Roommate Drew lures Karly to the mall with promises of energy drinks, Olga's, and back massages.
Roommate Drew makes the day way more awesome than it was looking out to be.
3:00 PM
Karly is in a good mood.
Karly arrives at work.
3:00:01 PM
Everything is just the worst.
Karly is not so much in a good mood anymore.
Karly spends the entire time at work trying not to cry directly into people's lattes.
9:49 PM
Karly is free!
Karly speeds home.
(Not really. She drove the speed limit. But maybe she was texting and driving a little bit.)
Karly opens her computer.
This is the screen that she sees:
...This is actually normal. It's been the background on her computer for a couple months. She thought it was funny.
Karly is ecstatic because for one, her computer is no longer broken, and for two, she can actually listen to Smashmouth. She's been looking forward to it all night!
Happy Karly=very yes.
10:00 PM
Karly goes for a run.
Snow defies laws of physics and blows in her face even when she changes direction.
Karly is still happy that it's "warm" enough to run and that her computer isn't "over."
12:36 PM
Karly blogs.
And eats saltines.
And watches 30 Rock.
And it's awesome because they make fun of Canadians.
And maybe, if she's smart, will go to bed within the next 20 min.
Karly wakes up and turns on her computer.
She is greeted by the above screen, which is normal.
Screen stays on gray spinning wheel of death for about 3,000 minutes. This is NOT NORMAL.
Karly hates life and instead of dealing with the problem, goes back to sleep.
11:15 AM
Karly wakes up (again).
The problem, shockingly, has not resolved itself.
Karly turns computer on and off about 8 times, just to make sure life isn't really as terrible as it seems.
Verdict: life is pretty terrible.
12:00 PM
Roommate Drew observes Karly trying to fix the problem herself, which looks a little bit like Karly laying on her bed and making faces that are frowny and helpless.
Roommate Drew takes steps to fix the problem.
Roommate Drew lures Karly to the mall with promises of energy drinks, Olga's, and back massages.
Roommate Drew makes the day way more awesome than it was looking out to be.
3:00 PM
Karly is in a good mood.
Karly arrives at work.
3:00:01 PM
Everything is just the worst.
Karly is not so much in a good mood anymore.
Karly spends the entire time at work trying not to cry directly into people's lattes.
9:49 PM
Karly is free!
Karly speeds home.
(Not really. She drove the speed limit. But maybe she was texting and driving a little bit.)
Karly opens her computer.
This is the screen that she sees:
...This is actually normal. It's been the background on her computer for a couple months. She thought it was funny.
(Guess what Karly doesn't think is funny anymore?
1. Flagrant system errors
2. Computers being "over"
3. Viruses that equal "very yes")
1. Flagrant system errors
2. Computers being "over"
3. Viruses that equal "very yes")
Karly is ecstatic because for one, her computer is no longer broken, and for two, she can actually listen to Smashmouth. She's been looking forward to it all night!
Happy Karly=very yes.
10:00 PM
Karly goes for a run.
Snow defies laws of physics and blows in her face even when she changes direction.
Karly is still happy that it's "warm" enough to run and that her computer isn't "over."
12:36 PM
Karly blogs.
And eats saltines.
And watches 30 Rock.
And it's awesome because they make fun of Canadians.
And maybe, if she's smart, will go to bed within the next 20 min.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Im too cold to be alive
My favorite Mason Proper song used to be 'Friendship.'
Observe the opening lyrics:
I froze my hands
broke my fingers off
gave them to my friends as a gift
cuz a rift has formed between us
Are you wondering if you're one of the ten friends I'd give my fingers to? Well you might find out soon enough because IM AFRAID THIS ACTUALLY MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME. My hands are frozen, and I have no control! None. I'm not trying to break them off per se, but... it might happen.
I have never been so cold and so sad in my entire life. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel like as I age everything gets ten times more crazy and kind of more terrible and like I've become 80% less responsible than I was the year before.
And colder.
Winter gets COLDER.
Seriously. Has Al Gore ever been to Michigan? NO. Global Warming is either not real or the most horribly labeled phenomenon ever. How can the planet be the recipient of MORE heat and be MORE cold at the same time? In fact, I'm pretty sure the sun no longer exists and has been replaced with [insert something that produces light but/gives off no energy/is that even possible/I don't know science.]
I think my point is that I'm really effing cold and next year is obviously only going to get colder.
Remind me again why living a long time is ideal? Because right now I feel like I need an incentive not to die. I bet being dead is so warm.
I don't want to talk about being dead. It reminds me a lot of being sad, and being sad reminds me of how cold I am right now. You know what else reminds me of how cold I am? the fact that I am mistyping approximately 3 out of every four words because I can't feel my right hand.
[I just did that thing again where I used numerals and then actually typed out the number/words. WTF.]
My backspace button is getting some serious action. Do you want to know how long it took me to type approximately? The answer is embarrassing and I refuse to share it with you.
Anyway, here's what happens when life is too cold to actually do anything productive with your time:
Yeah. That bag of tortilla chips I threw on the floor? It's definitely still there.
Observe the opening lyrics:
I froze my hands
broke my fingers off
gave them to my friends as a gift
cuz a rift has formed between us
Are you wondering if you're one of the ten friends I'd give my fingers to? Well you might find out soon enough because IM AFRAID THIS ACTUALLY MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME. My hands are frozen, and I have no control! None. I'm not trying to break them off per se, but... it might happen.
I have never been so cold and so sad in my entire life. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I feel like as I age everything gets ten times more crazy and kind of more terrible and like I've become 80% less responsible than I was the year before.
And colder.
Winter gets COLDER.
Seriously. Has Al Gore ever been to Michigan? NO. Global Warming is either not real or the most horribly labeled phenomenon ever. How can the planet be the recipient of MORE heat and be MORE cold at the same time? In fact, I'm pretty sure the sun no longer exists and has been replaced with [insert something that produces light but/gives off no energy/is that even possible/I don't know science.]
I think my point is that I'm really effing cold and next year is obviously only going to get colder.
Remind me again why living a long time is ideal? Because right now I feel like I need an incentive not to die. I bet being dead is so warm.
I don't want to talk about being dead. It reminds me a lot of being sad, and being sad reminds me of how cold I am right now. You know what else reminds me of how cold I am? the fact that I am mistyping approximately 3 out of every four words because I can't feel my right hand.
[I just did that thing again where I used numerals and then actually typed out the number/words. WTF.]
My backspace button is getting some serious action. Do you want to know how long it took me to type approximately? The answer is embarrassing and I refuse to share it with you.
Anyway, here's what happens when life is too cold to actually do anything productive with your time:
Yeah. That bag of tortilla chips I threw on the floor? It's definitely still there.
Monday, February 7, 2011
OMG....I will never be Camp Champ.
Just watch the first minute and 15 seconds...
I think I solve all my problems exactly like this Kristy chick. Oh well.
Where is my Care Bear intervention, anyway? Real people need help, too. I can't swim! I can't paddle a boat!
I CAN howevershare my feelings and make friends sit on a porch looking totally dejected and hating my life. WIN.
I think I solve all my problems exactly like this Kristy chick. Oh well.
Where is my Care Bear intervention, anyway? Real people need help, too. I can't swim! I can't paddle a boat!
I CAN however
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Let's all go to Karly World! It's like Pizza World, only more awesome. but with less pizza. i mean there is pizza. just less.
Sometimes this is how my process of writing a blog entry from the "Third person/Weird" POV goes:
1. Go to take a picture of yourself on photobooth for the blog because everyone likes pictures because pictures are not words and are therefore awesome.
2. Get distracted by the fact that [of fucking course] your computer camera is not working.
Think: God damnit computer camera. God damnit, Murphy's Law. God damnit, ME, for thinking that everything could just work exactly like its supposed to. for once. And anyways why do people have this impression that everything is just supposed to work all the time? i constantly find myself in a battle with things that just refuse to do what they are supposed to do.
ME: hey camera cord, i can't remember where i put you. and by put, i mean threw you unceremoniously into the corner of whatever room i happened to be in at the time said throwing occurred. help me out here?
CAMERA CORD: oh hey. I know it's five hours later, but i hope its cool that I was just chillin in some empty box of Cheez-its that you didnt think to look in because you thought it would be socially acceptable/hygienic/not disgusting to just keep it on the floor in your room for a couple of months before putting it in, i dont know, say, THE TRASH where it belongs.
Also I'm tangled beyond repair.
Also the USB port isn't recognizing my presence.
Also, maybe, you should try turning on the camera first.
Also, you're an idiot.
ME: God damnit.
ME: hey phone battery, can you stay charged for like more than 5 hours please? I'm trying not to get stranded in Ypsilanti at 3 in the morning when im drunk, its freezing rain, and i have to work in 4 hours.
BATTERY: no way dewd, better things to do. like die. die always. all the time. *dies*
ME: God damnit.
ME: hey fully charged ipod, could you please play Ke$ha's "Blow" for me?
iPOD: back door cracked we dont need a keyyyy
ME: la la la la la, jog jog jog
iPOD: it's time to kill the lights and shut the dj downnnnnn
ME: jog jog jog, jog faster, and faster
iPOD: This place about to... *dies*
ME: GOD DAMNIT.
2. Forget that you are even writing a blog post. Sit there and stare at the Facebook homepage like you are waiting for it to tell you what to do. [It never does. Because it's facebook, and not say a real person, or even REAL LIFE.]
3. Definitely do not download Taylor Swift's entire discography and subject your parents to it while you are "cooking" and blogging. Do not let them think you are stupid enough to think that real love exists. You are way too awesome for that. And too awesome for Taylor Swift. And that's why you didnt download it today. or ever. but definitely not today.
4. Try opening and closing photobooth to see if the computer will somehow magically register the camera this time.
5. GUESS IF IT DID. JUST GUESS.
6. GUESS, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
7. OF COURSE IT DIDN'T.
8. Without pictures, there's no more point in writing a blog but you do it anyway because you are self obsessed and you didnt even go for a run today and you need to feel like you've done something with your sad, pathetic, perpetually unphotographed life.
9. Don't even attempt to explain what the hell Pizza World is, or why you put it in the post title and then just acted like it was normal and made total sense when really it's confusing and probably no one even read the rest of your blog because they were so pissed off about it. But you're probably thinking that it's better than Karly World. Because this is Karly World. OMG don't you hate it? Isn't it The Worst? You can stay or go, "but you were everything to me I was begging you please don't goooooo"
10. Don't end your blog with Taylor swift quotes. Remember to stir the cheese dip you are cooking. Stall ending your blog at all costs because then you have to get up off the couch and make something of your life. Feel really really anxious about how hard this is going to be.
11. Wonder if the last 3 sentences all should have been separate numbered entities.
12. Care for an entire three seconds and then move on to thinking about more important things.
13. Notice that you typed "3" once and then another time actually typed out "three" and be annoyed by your own inconsistencies.
14. Actually get up off the couch because you've been doing a whole lot of typing and not a whole lot of cheese dip-stirring.
[EDIT]
Crap. i used the number "2" twice. Whatever. editing is for weirdos. and editors.
1. Go to take a picture of yourself on photobooth for the blog because everyone likes pictures because pictures are not words and are therefore awesome.
2. Get distracted by the fact that [of fucking course] your computer camera is not working.
Think: God damnit computer camera. God damnit, Murphy's Law. God damnit, ME, for thinking that everything could just work exactly like its supposed to. for once. And anyways why do people have this impression that everything is just supposed to work all the time? i constantly find myself in a battle with things that just refuse to do what they are supposed to do.
ME: hey camera cord, i can't remember where i put you. and by put, i mean threw you unceremoniously into the corner of whatever room i happened to be in at the time said throwing occurred. help me out here?
CAMERA CORD: oh hey. I know it's five hours later, but i hope its cool that I was just chillin in some empty box of Cheez-its that you didnt think to look in because you thought it would be socially acceptable/hygienic/not disgusting to just keep it on the floor in your room for a couple of months before putting it in, i dont know, say, THE TRASH where it belongs.
Also I'm tangled beyond repair.
Also the USB port isn't recognizing my presence.
Also, maybe, you should try turning on the camera first.
Also, you're an idiot.
ME: God damnit.
ME: hey phone battery, can you stay charged for like more than 5 hours please? I'm trying not to get stranded in Ypsilanti at 3 in the morning when im drunk, its freezing rain, and i have to work in 4 hours.
BATTERY: no way dewd, better things to do. like die. die always. all the time. *dies*
ME: God damnit.
ME: hey fully charged ipod, could you please play Ke$ha's "Blow" for me?
iPOD: back door cracked we dont need a keyyyy
ME: la la la la la, jog jog jog
iPOD: it's time to kill the lights and shut the dj downnnnnn
ME: jog jog jog, jog faster, and faster
iPOD: This place about to... *dies*
ME: GOD DAMNIT.
2. Forget that you are even writing a blog post. Sit there and stare at the Facebook homepage like you are waiting for it to tell you what to do. [It never does. Because it's facebook, and not say a real person, or even REAL LIFE.]
3. Definitely do not download Taylor Swift's entire discography and subject your parents to it while you are "cooking" and blogging. Do not let them think you are stupid enough to think that real love exists. You are way too awesome for that. And too awesome for Taylor Swift. And that's why you didnt download it today. or ever. but definitely not today.
4. Try opening and closing photobooth to see if the computer will somehow magically register the camera this time.
5. GUESS IF IT DID. JUST GUESS.
6. GUESS, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
7. OF COURSE IT DIDN'T.
8. Without pictures, there's no more point in writing a blog but you do it anyway because you are self obsessed and you didnt even go for a run today and you need to feel like you've done something with your sad, pathetic, perpetually unphotographed life.
9. Don't even attempt to explain what the hell Pizza World is, or why you put it in the post title and then just acted like it was normal and made total sense when really it's confusing and probably no one even read the rest of your blog because they were so pissed off about it. But you're probably thinking that it's better than Karly World. Because this is Karly World. OMG don't you hate it? Isn't it The Worst? You can stay or go, "but you were everything to me I was begging you please don't goooooo"
10. Don't end your blog with Taylor swift quotes. Remember to stir the cheese dip you are cooking. Stall ending your blog at all costs because then you have to get up off the couch and make something of your life. Feel really really anxious about how hard this is going to be.
11. Wonder if the last 3 sentences all should have been separate numbered entities.
12. Care for an entire three seconds and then move on to thinking about more important things.
13. Notice that you typed "3" once and then another time actually typed out "three" and be annoyed by your own inconsistencies.
14. Actually get up off the couch because you've been doing a whole lot of typing and not a whole lot of cheese dip-stirring.
[EDIT]
Crap. i used the number "2" twice. Whatever. editing is for weirdos. and editors.
Friday, February 4, 2011
sometimes when you have no self esteem you just have to pretend you do and then you actually kind of have it
i just needed to hear someone say that. Even if that someone was me.
because I am.
i am totally awesome.
too awesome for things that are not awesome.
so bring on the awesome things.
i'm waiting.
no!
you know what?
awesome people don't wait for awesome things to happen to them.
they MAKE awesome.
awesome isn't just this thing that happens, you know.
i have to assume that making 'awesome' is roughly the intellectual equivalent of drafting polyjuice potion.
only it probably requires less boomslang skin.
which is good because i dont know what it is,
or where to find it,
and im DEFINITELY not touching it.
...I'm awesome, tell your friends.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
What if I'm turning into a blogoholic? Whatever. There are worse things. Like having your celebrity look-alike be black. and A MAN
Look... I have nothing against black people. Or men. But I think it's obvious that I'm neither of these things.
You know who doesn't think it's obvious?
Thanks, MyHeritage.com! I always though self-esteem was dumb anyways. At least i only look 63% like him. At least the rest of my look-alike options weren't all Asian [insight: they were.]
Sob.
You know who doesn't think it's obvious?
Thanks, MyHeritage.com! I always though self-esteem was dumb anyways. At least i only look 63% like him. At least the rest of my look-alike options weren't all Asian [insight: they were.]
Sob.
Amendment #1.5
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO an alert reader [heretofore known as "Friend Katie"] points out that it seems like i was still naked when i gave Roommate Drew the poptart. can i be honest with all of you?
I WAS.
no, that's not what i meant to say. i just wanted to write something edgy and shocking. the truth is,
I WAS NAKED.
ok. see what i did there? i took the joke to level two. guess what's next: nothing. there are no more levels. there is only level "taking unfunny jokes too far" and really.. im just too cool to go there.
So anyway, THE TRUTH IS i did not write out all these events as they were happening. i mean, some of them. but my point is that the inconsistency in my timeline is as obvious as it is egregious. and im sorry but that's just the way my brain works.
im not a naked poptart giver. And i will never claim to be otherwise.
I would also like to point out that i know there is questionable grammar and a lack of proper capitalization at times but gosh you know i just really dont care. i was so excited to post this epic post of a post that i just did, without any regard for anyone but myself... and particularly not Strunk and White. One time i read a book called Spunk and Bite. Isn't that hilarious!? ...Someone needs to take that joke to level two.
I WAS.
no, that's not what i meant to say. i just wanted to write something edgy and shocking. the truth is,
I WAS NAKED.
ok. see what i did there? i took the joke to level two. guess what's next: nothing. there are no more levels. there is only level "taking unfunny jokes too far" and really.. im just too cool to go there.
So anyway, THE TRUTH IS i did not write out all these events as they were happening. i mean, some of them. but my point is that the inconsistency in my timeline is as obvious as it is egregious. and im sorry but that's just the way my brain works.
im not a naked poptart giver. And i will never claim to be otherwise.
I would also like to point out that i know there is questionable grammar and a lack of proper capitalization at times but gosh you know i just really dont care. i was so excited to post this epic post of a post that i just did, without any regard for anyone but myself... and particularly not Strunk and White. One time i read a book called Spunk and Bite. Isn't that hilarious!? ...Someone needs to take that joke to level two.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Amendment #1
9:46 PM
Roommate Drew just thanked Roommate Frances for the banana bread. I see how things work around here.
Roommate Drew just thanked Roommate Frances for the banana bread. I see how things work around here.
You think this snowstorm is epic? CHECK OUT THIS BLOG ENTRY
6:30 PM
I've been sitting on my bed for almost two hours and I have no idea what I've been doing. My computer has been in front of me the whole time but, having nothing to show for myself, and not remembering anything, I have to assume that, this whole time... I've been doing absolutely nothing. My stomach is also very perturbed because I've just realized that not only am i hungry, but i might actually be starving. it really isnt a pleasant feeling. is this what starving feels like? is this what The Starving Kids in Africa feel like? Wow. I can see how this maybe might not be the best way to live. but food involves effort, and effort involves, or can be defined as... something im not willing to give at the moment. And anyway, as the facebook world already knows:
the only food items I own are 8 sleeves of saltine crackers and half a box of cookie dough poptarts.
7:17 PM
...seven sleeves of saltine crackers.
7:23 PM
I'm in the kitchen. How did i get here you might ask? Well you can ask, but i feel like you shouldn't be asking because this is my blog and I make the rules and really you have no alternative but to just listen to me. You shouldnt be asking questions about things that I'm not interested in. anyways im in the kitchen and Roommate Frances is baking Banana bread. This excites me for two reasons:
1. Banana bread is not saltine crackers.
2. Banana bread is also not cookie dough poptarts.
But to be fair and logical about all this, there are chocolate chips in the banana bread, and there are chocolate chips in the cookie dough poptarts, which make them... similar but really i guess not the same thing at all and i regret the pathetic end to which this section of this entry must come to.
7:43 PM
Roommate Frances is reading from her mythology book. no one is listening to her. and by no one, i mean me. and by noo one i also mean Roommate Zac, who is making small noises that I really dont want to attempt to describe because he just told me im not allowed to blog about him, which brings an abrupt end to this section as well. I really need to get better at ending things.
8:14 PM
I'm lying on my bed. I'm actually naked. Is that a taboo thing to say? It seems I'm unconcerned. Well I guess I am a bit concerned. I just needed to express that I understand this is going to make a few people uncomfortable. The problem with that, though, is that (if I'm thinking optimistically) a few people is exactly how many people read my blog. So a few is everyone. So now everyone is uncomfortable, and on top of that, Ive lost my train of thought. Back on topic: I'm naked, this is weird to say, and a weird thing to be, i guess, but I am. and here's why.
I just took a shower. And I'm lazy. My stepmom just slandered me on facebook by suggesting that I'm too lazy to walk to the grocery store that I live about 20 feet from. Really? you think that's lazy? I just had to walk all the way from the bathroom to MY room. Sometimes there are obstacles. Sometimes I leave all my shoes outside my door because they are snowy and i don't want to ruin the fake wood flooring in my room so i leave them there. and though im sure some of them are dry because they've been there for a few days [or maybe weeks, who keeps track of these things when stepmoms arent around], i cant like... put them away. Because [and back to my point] I'm lazy. So I've showered, walked all the way to my room, and now you want me to put on clothes? TOO MUCH ACTION REQUIRED. BRAIN IMPLODING.
I've just given Roommate Drew one of my cookie dough poptarts. I'm not rationing very well. I attribute this to the fact that normally I don't even have food to ration, so it's not surprise that I'm so terrible at it. I was just trying to be nice! I guess you can't effectively ration and be nice at the same time.
8:30 PM
Roommate Frances is clawing at my door and screaming BANANA BREAD approximately 3,458 times. This annoying because 3,458 times is kind of a lot to repeat only two words in sucession and also because im still naked and feel a little bit awkward about the fact that I cant open the door right now. It's making me seem a little anti social. That's why people dont open doors. because they are either naked or antisocial. and i dont think im particularly antisocial. holy shit she probably thinks im naked. which i guess is fair. since i am. I return downstairs (fully clothed) to be confronted by Roommate Zac who tells me that I dyed my hair (I dyed my hair two days ago), or more specifically, my hair looks different than it did when I was downstairs before. He amends this statement by saying "Maybe it's because you had a hat on before." Maybe.
That makes it sound like I'm uncertain of whether i was wearing a hat or not. I was. I was wearing a hat. I feel the need to mention my stepmother again because she gave me the hat i was wearing and it is awesome. But anyways when i said "maybe" i was just being sarcastic and a little bit like... an asshole.
Roommate Frances is reading about mythology again. She commends me on my ability to tune things out. I commend myself on my ability to not be interested in anything that's not directly related to me.
She seems to be adopting some sort of nondescript accent. Or maybe it was just for that one sentence. Oh wait nope its back. But it's changed. And I'm just realizing she's changing her voice and crescendo-ing and being more or less dramatic with each new sentence. This is a strange and exciting turn of events. Roommate Frances and Roommate Zac are asking Roommate Katie where she is as if she can hear them. I should probably mention at this point that Roommate Katie isn't here. i dont know whats going on. there is talk of telepathic communication waves and i'm losing interest because they are talking about things not directly related to me. and that's boring.
8:49 PM
You know, I don't recall Roommate Drew even thanking me for those poptarts. That's a little bit rude, in my ever so humble (but really kind of pompous) opinion.
9:08 PM
OH MY GOD. There is talk of food delivery. I gotta go.
I've been sitting on my bed for almost two hours and I have no idea what I've been doing. My computer has been in front of me the whole time but, having nothing to show for myself, and not remembering anything, I have to assume that, this whole time... I've been doing absolutely nothing. My stomach is also very perturbed because I've just realized that not only am i hungry, but i might actually be starving. it really isnt a pleasant feeling. is this what starving feels like? is this what The Starving Kids in Africa feel like? Wow. I can see how this maybe might not be the best way to live. but food involves effort, and effort involves, or can be defined as... something im not willing to give at the moment. And anyway, as the facebook world already knows:
the only food items I own are 8 sleeves of saltine crackers and half a box of cookie dough poptarts.
7:17 PM
...seven sleeves of saltine crackers.
7:23 PM
I'm in the kitchen. How did i get here you might ask? Well you can ask, but i feel like you shouldn't be asking because this is my blog and I make the rules and really you have no alternative but to just listen to me. You shouldnt be asking questions about things that I'm not interested in. anyways im in the kitchen and Roommate Frances is baking Banana bread. This excites me for two reasons:
1. Banana bread is not saltine crackers.
2. Banana bread is also not cookie dough poptarts.
But to be fair and logical about all this, there are chocolate chips in the banana bread, and there are chocolate chips in the cookie dough poptarts, which make them... similar but really i guess not the same thing at all and i regret the pathetic end to which this section of this entry must come to.
7:43 PM
Roommate Frances is reading from her mythology book. no one is listening to her. and by no one, i mean me. and by noo one i also mean Roommate Zac, who is making small noises that I really dont want to attempt to describe because he just told me im not allowed to blog about him, which brings an abrupt end to this section as well. I really need to get better at ending things.
8:14 PM
I'm lying on my bed. I'm actually naked. Is that a taboo thing to say? It seems I'm unconcerned. Well I guess I am a bit concerned. I just needed to express that I understand this is going to make a few people uncomfortable. The problem with that, though, is that (if I'm thinking optimistically) a few people is exactly how many people read my blog. So a few is everyone. So now everyone is uncomfortable, and on top of that, Ive lost my train of thought. Back on topic: I'm naked, this is weird to say, and a weird thing to be, i guess, but I am. and here's why.
I just took a shower. And I'm lazy. My stepmom just slandered me on facebook by suggesting that I'm too lazy to walk to the grocery store that I live about 20 feet from. Really? you think that's lazy? I just had to walk all the way from the bathroom to MY room. Sometimes there are obstacles. Sometimes I leave all my shoes outside my door because they are snowy and i don't want to ruin the fake wood flooring in my room so i leave them there. and though im sure some of them are dry because they've been there for a few days [or maybe weeks, who keeps track of these things when stepmoms arent around], i cant like... put them away. Because [and back to my point] I'm lazy. So I've showered, walked all the way to my room, and now you want me to put on clothes? TOO MUCH ACTION REQUIRED. BRAIN IMPLODING.
I've just given Roommate Drew one of my cookie dough poptarts. I'm not rationing very well. I attribute this to the fact that normally I don't even have food to ration, so it's not surprise that I'm so terrible at it. I was just trying to be nice! I guess you can't effectively ration and be nice at the same time.
8:30 PM
Roommate Frances is clawing at my door and screaming BANANA BREAD approximately 3,458 times. This annoying because 3,458 times is kind of a lot to repeat only two words in sucession and also because im still naked and feel a little bit awkward about the fact that I cant open the door right now. It's making me seem a little anti social. That's why people dont open doors. because they are either naked or antisocial. and i dont think im particularly antisocial. holy shit she probably thinks im naked. which i guess is fair. since i am. I return downstairs (fully clothed) to be confronted by Roommate Zac who tells me that I dyed my hair (I dyed my hair two days ago), or more specifically, my hair looks different than it did when I was downstairs before. He amends this statement by saying "Maybe it's because you had a hat on before." Maybe.
That makes it sound like I'm uncertain of whether i was wearing a hat or not. I was. I was wearing a hat. I feel the need to mention my stepmother again because she gave me the hat i was wearing and it is awesome. But anyways when i said "maybe" i was just being sarcastic and a little bit like... an asshole.
Roommate Frances is reading about mythology again. She commends me on my ability to tune things out. I commend myself on my ability to not be interested in anything that's not directly related to me.
She seems to be adopting some sort of nondescript accent. Or maybe it was just for that one sentence. Oh wait nope its back. But it's changed. And I'm just realizing she's changing her voice and crescendo-ing and being more or less dramatic with each new sentence. This is a strange and exciting turn of events. Roommate Frances and Roommate Zac are asking Roommate Katie where she is as if she can hear them. I should probably mention at this point that Roommate Katie isn't here. i dont know whats going on. there is talk of telepathic communication waves and i'm losing interest because they are talking about things not directly related to me. and that's boring.
8:49 PM
You know, I don't recall Roommate Drew even thanking me for those poptarts. That's a little bit rude, in my ever so humble (but really kind of pompous) opinion.
9:08 PM
OH MY GOD. There is talk of food delivery. I gotta go.
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