Right now my dad is miles away from me. I'm talking an insane amount of miles.
Okay, maybe not insane. I'm just exaggerating, as I am wont to do on almost every blogging occasion. The truth is I don't know how many miles away he is right now. But he's probably as vertically distant to me right now as he is horizontally-- that is to say, he's in an airplane, some INSANE amount of miles (or whatever quantitative term you wish) away from me right now. And yet, in ten minutes, I will leave my house, drive 20 miles away, and be right next to him in exactly an hour.
This is insane to me. How did we get this far? Air travel amazes me, and I don't think that amazement will ever fade. I am still amazed by bluetooth devices or hell, even email. The fact that you are reading these words without me physically handing you a document on which I've written them amazes me. It's insane. So to speak.
The truth is that none of these things even matter. Nothing makes sense. Everything is bullshit. Nothing gives me delight, or inspiration, or the will to divest myself into a forward-thinking world. Very little things or people give me pleasure these days.
But I'll be damned if I'm not excited to see my dad walk out of the North terminal at Metro Airport and get into the car beside me. I'll get him to myself for 45 minutes on the drive home. We probably won't even talk about anything significant. But I don't care.
Sometimes, or maybe especially at this exact point in my life-- a girl just needs to be in the company of the one man on earth who has ever cared, and will always care, about her.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
And now, a discussion about grammar:
I want to talk about interjections. And the F word. Because I think these things are related. And because I've had a schoolhouse rock song stuck in my head all day and because I've had a lot of coffee and that is related to interjections because I use a lot of those things when I'm hopped up on the C. And we're not going to talk about the questionable nature of that last, quite definitely run-on, sentence that began with the contraband word 'because'. That is not part of this grammar discussion. This is MY blog, and we are going to talk about the F word. And start sentences with 'because'.
COOOOOOOOOL. Let's get right to it:
You know what shows some serious excitement and emotion? The word fuck. Observe the following examples, complete with correct punctuation, and in order of increasing emotion:
"Fuck, I am out of Cheez-its."
"Fuck! I can't find my iPod charger.."
"FUCK, My life is generally fucking terrible!"
"FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING IS RUINED! NOTHING IS FINE!"
And by the way, people who are offended by the F word, you're being kind of a huge spoilsport-downer. This word isn't even offensive! If you want to attribute some sort of lewd or offensive meaning to the word fuck, SO BE IT. But I don't even think it's a word that has a definition. Maybe it did, at one point. But I think we fuck users have turned it into the ultimate stock interjection, like the word hey. It literally has no definition! So, fuck is an interjection with no definition. It is the equivalent of about 37 exclamation points, except it's way more phonetically satisfying. It's aggressive, it's punching, and it's only ONE SYLLABLE! How grammatically convenient.
I get it, ok? This is a pretty sensitive subject. I would not want my kids to have this word in their vocabulary, but I also think kids need to be exposed to things without being allowed to partake in them. People drink in front of kids, and adults find it easy enough to be like, "this is just for the adults," and leave it at that. I remember when I first started swearing. In sixth grade Geoff Breneman slammed my locker and I called him a bitch. And it made me feel fucking great. Of course, my delivery was all wrong and calling boys bitches just doesn't generally make sense. But that's because I was learning. I had to start somewhere. And my folly was that I started before I fully understood the material I was working with. Maybe kids need to understand that swearing is just for the adults. Because adults have excellent delivery. Adults also have discretion. Well... allegedly.
I'm not saying you should walk into a bank and be like "Hey dude, I need to make a fucking withdrawal STAT." Although if you are walking into a bank... what are you doing? It's 2011 and there are machines you can interact with like ATMs and computers that prevent you from having to do horrible things like that. In my experience, when you walk into a bank to deposit one measly check, "Mirella" attacks you and invites you back to her cubicle and pretends like depositing a check takes fifteen minutes so that, "in the meantime," she can casually mention the benefits of opening a credit card with her bank.
Here's a fun exercise: I'm going to take that last paragraph and insert some interjections. Then you can tell me which was more fun to read:
I'm not saying you should walk the fuck into a bank and be like "Hey dude, I need to make a fucking withdrawal STAT." Although if you are walking into a fucking bank... what the fuck are you doing? Fuck, it's 2011 and there are machines you can interact with, like fuckin ATMs and computers and shit that prevent you from having to do horrible fucking things like that. In my experience, when you walk the fuck into a fucking bank to deposit one measly fucking check, "Mirella" fucking attacks you and invites you back to her cubicle and fucking pretends like depositing a fucking check takes fifteen FUCKING minutes so that, "in the meantime," she can casually fucking mention the benefits of opening a credit card with her fucking bank.
What was I saying about excellent delivery? Because that was NOT it. That is what's grammatically known as repetition, or, alternatively, overkill. I don't know if I proved my point. That was just all kinds of annoying. Sigh. Fuck. I give up. And the real tragedy here: I really am out of Cheez-its.
COOOOOOOOOL. Let's get right to it:
INTERJECTIONS
(according to the Schoolhouse Rock song):
Interjections!
Show excitement!
Or emotion!
They're generally set apart from a sentence by an exclamation point or by a comma when the feeling's not as strong.
You know what shows some serious excitement and emotion? The word fuck. Observe the following examples, complete with correct punctuation, and in order of increasing emotion:
"Fuck, I am out of Cheez-its."
"Fuck! I can't find my iPod charger.."
"FUCK, My life is generally fucking terrible!"
"FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING IS RUINED! NOTHING IS FINE!"
And by the way, people who are offended by the F word, you're being kind of a huge spoilsport-downer. This word isn't even offensive! If you want to attribute some sort of lewd or offensive meaning to the word fuck, SO BE IT. But I don't even think it's a word that has a definition. Maybe it did, at one point. But I think we fuck users have turned it into the ultimate stock interjection, like the word hey. It literally has no definition! So, fuck is an interjection with no definition. It is the equivalent of about 37 exclamation points, except it's way more phonetically satisfying. It's aggressive, it's punching, and it's only ONE SYLLABLE! How grammatically convenient.
I get it, ok? This is a pretty sensitive subject. I would not want my kids to have this word in their vocabulary, but I also think kids need to be exposed to things without being allowed to partake in them. People drink in front of kids, and adults find it easy enough to be like, "this is just for the adults," and leave it at that. I remember when I first started swearing. In sixth grade Geoff Breneman slammed my locker and I called him a bitch. And it made me feel fucking great. Of course, my delivery was all wrong and calling boys bitches just doesn't generally make sense. But that's because I was learning. I had to start somewhere. And my folly was that I started before I fully understood the material I was working with. Maybe kids need to understand that swearing is just for the adults. Because adults have excellent delivery. Adults also have discretion. Well... allegedly.
I'm not saying you should walk into a bank and be like "Hey dude, I need to make a fucking withdrawal STAT." Although if you are walking into a bank... what are you doing? It's 2011 and there are machines you can interact with like ATMs and computers that prevent you from having to do horrible things like that. In my experience, when you walk into a bank to deposit one measly check, "Mirella" attacks you and invites you back to her cubicle and pretends like depositing a check takes fifteen minutes so that, "in the meantime," she can casually mention the benefits of opening a credit card with her bank.
Here's a fun exercise: I'm going to take that last paragraph and insert some interjections. Then you can tell me which was more fun to read:
I'm not saying you should walk the fuck into a bank and be like "Hey dude, I need to make a fucking withdrawal STAT." Although if you are walking into a fucking bank... what the fuck are you doing? Fuck, it's 2011 and there are machines you can interact with, like fuckin ATMs and computers and shit that prevent you from having to do horrible fucking things like that. In my experience, when you walk the fuck into a fucking bank to deposit one measly fucking check, "Mirella" fucking attacks you and invites you back to her cubicle and fucking pretends like depositing a fucking check takes fifteen FUCKING minutes so that, "in the meantime," she can casually fucking mention the benefits of opening a credit card with her fucking bank.
What was I saying about excellent delivery? Because that was NOT it. That is what's grammatically known as repetition, or, alternatively, overkill. I don't know if I proved my point. That was just all kinds of annoying. Sigh. Fuck. I give up. And the real tragedy here: I really am out of Cheez-its.
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