im not drunk-blogging... im drunk-WINNING.

im Winning. im Winning so hard. how could i not be? whipped cream vodka? please. im fucking WINNING.

I don't even know what i want to talk about but i think ive decided im just going to use no filter, and definitely NOT the backspace button. i KNOW there is no backspace button when you're drunk.

I know a lot of things, it turns out. I'd share them with you, but that would just be lazy. you should learn things on your own. im not here to coddle anyone. I cant just tell you everything you need to know always. But you should listen to me because seriously I'm so smart. didn't anyone notice that I used the word 'alveoli' in the last entry? Im practically a doctor. bam. Winning.

so anyway I can't tell you everything I know. but i CAN tell you why i hate winter.

lets start by talking about what my food pyramid has looked like for the past couple weeks:





oooh lets talk about the font i used on this. its called "oh crud." which is a phrase that I kept saying the other day for no reason which is weird because why do things just pop into your brain like that.

so cough drops: aren't even good. at all. but necessary. i fell asleep with one in my mouth, ok? i dont recommend this. but sometimes you have to stop coughing if you want to sleep. or if you dont want to wake up everyone in your house. or in your tent in Scotland. because then your sister will kick you and yell at you and tell you that you need to sleep on your stomach when you are already sleeping on your stomach and feeling like crud and you walk out of the tent into the foggy, freezing scotland air at four in the morning to a campground bathroom that is freezing and you look at yourself in the mirror and think who am i? im in motherfucking scotland, by the way and the mirror responds you are a piece of crud and this whole thing is making a lot of sense.

saltines: are food. really. someone told me that saltines aren't food and that's such bullshit. if saltines aren't food, then i don't eat food. you know what else is awesome about saltines? they cost a dollar. for four sleeves! i can crush a sleeve of saltines like nobody's business. Right now there is a sleeve of saltines on our mantle, but i can't eat them because they are touching a gold styrofoam torso in an anatomical area that is awkward and would make me feel weird about eating them. plus they've been sitting there for a couple of days in an open package. [im probly going to eat them at some point. and im probly going to be drunk when i do. i just dont want to be wasteful. also i dont care about anything when im drunk, least of all eating saltines that are touching a golden styrofoam butt.]

you know what's hard to draw? "Food anyone else gives me for free." so i didn't.

One time i went a whole month without eating pizza hut breadsticks. and then the second that challenge was up, i ate them at 10AM and then pretty much every day for a week. Because I'm really good at life.

Do you know how good pizza is? pizza is so good. I want pizza. all the time. every time. there is not a second that im alive that I would not like to be consuming pizza. or burritos. but guess what? you can't have everything you want in life. consider yourself informed. you cant have everything. in fact, you really can't have a whole lot. ever. sucks, huh? life just isn't that great. like pizza. pizza is pretty fucking great. except it costs money, and that sucks a lot. which i think is the only reason i dont eat it as much as i want to. same with beer. beer is so great. it may be better than pizza, but the thing is im drunk and a little bit biased so i really can't comment on this at present. but beer is pretty great.

Anyway, isn't this the worst food pyramid you've ever seen? I know it is. I'm probly going to die tomorrow. Although I went for a run today so everything will probably be fine and not ruined at all. Also I totally lied and used the backspace button a lot of times. I don't care. I'm drunk. LYing doesn't count when you're drunk. When you're drunk, there is only blogging, and feeling awesome, and Winning. And that's all that matters in this fickle, exploding, winter world.